- Dionne, dissing Aborigine culture
It’s the latest ANTM and you know, I realize I haven’t really started out with any exciting tales from my life during the last couple of recaps, but seriously, nothing’s been going on. I mean there was that one thing that involved a reverse cowgirl position, and one of the lesser known Baldwin brothers. But it wasn’t anything spectacular. All I learned is 1) Cheese Whiz is really hard to get out of upholstery and 2) Next time I should aim higher on the family chain. Live and learn. Anyhoo, this week starts with Tyra Mail. Some of you believe that you were born to be a top model, but I sense that only one of you will have the heart. That could be me! I have a heart! But I keep mine in a jar on my desk. The girls to out to the Australian forest and meet with Aborigine tribe leader Uncle Max. And here's a recent photo:
Jerry Garcia Lives! I knew he’d come back. A million deadheads can't be wrong. Or course they also can't follow the rules of basic hygiene. Anyhoo, Jerry - er Max and his niece Calita tell the girls that they will have to describe their own personal story using body art, movement and speech. Renee astutely declares that the Aborigine culture is a lot like modeling in that “models are storytellers. Only we tell ours through pictures and runway.” Yes Renee. Cause, I’m sure someone like, say, Kate Moss has a lot of stories to tell. Only I think hers would involve waking up in a pool of her own sick next to Pete Doherty. Good times! The girls will be judged by the premier expert on Aborigine culture Carissa Rosenburg, editor of Seventeen magazine.
First up is Renee (Nene) who does a pretty awesome job I must say, describing abuse as a child. Jaslene is next, not as awesome, but she describes pain, agony and suffering. Fun! Then there’s Dionne (see the quote at the top of the page). And congratulations Wholahay. You have officially out-ignoramused your “f**king lesbo” comment. How is that she’s here and Brittany is gone? Anyhoo, Dionne does her speech and she’s just okay. Natasha is next and although her moves are beautiful, she speaks so softly no one can hear her. In the end, Renee wins! She chooses Jaslene as her friend and they both get beautiful Auture pearls. Awesome! However, it’s sort of a hollow victory because we all know she’s going to hock them for cash as soon as she gets to the mainland.
Back at the house, Dionne spontaneously says: “Hey. Guys. Why. Don’t. We. Try. To. Have. Some. Fun.” Which translates to: “The producers want to shake things up a bit and they’ve already set up cameras at the predetermined bar.” Natasha is very sick and can’t go so at the bar, Renee plays her game of “ Pick on the girl who isn’t here to defend herself” and tells Jaslene and Dionne that they all should want Natasha to go. And they agree. Bitches.
Tyra Mail! Sorry girls, you’re history! And….just like that the season is over. Yeah! Nah, they never make it that easy. Instead, the girls will be posing with members of the Ngemba tribe while demonstrating Aborigine dance. First up is Jaslene, who learns her dance well but pretty much says the moves are lame. More trashing of the local culture. Why yes, we are American, how did you know? Jaslene's intensity is good however and her photo shoot rocks. Dionne does a food gathering dance, has to be posed constantly and gives consistent “mean face.” Poor Natasha is sick as a dog and looks terrible. She interviews that she has a sore throat and that it’s “really hard for her to swallow”. Oh boy. Her husband is not going to happy about that. She learns the wiggly wag tail dance and her posing is pretty bad in that she looks about ready to pass out. Renee is last and gets the dance of the butterfly (lucky) and does a great job.
Tyra Mail! Someone’s going home and if it’s not Dionne I’m cutting off all my hair in protest. At the house, Natasha tries to make small talk, asking the girls what they think will happen at elimination and the girls respond by being universally snarky and bitchy to her. It’s so Mean Girls! Except none of the bitchy girls are as pretty as Rachel McAdams. And the only thing Natasha and Lindsey Lohan share is poor taste in men. Still, it’s close enough. Only thank god, there’s no Tina Fey. Tina Fey (shudder).
Elimination time! In the judging room, Tyra is dressed like a cross between Morticia Addams and Cruela De Vil. And….I have to say that the collar of her dress does look an awful lot like Dalmatian puppy fur. Poor doggies. It would be less tragic if they died for something fashionable. All the rest of the judges are there and guest judge is Carissa Rosenburg, Seventeen editor and expert on Aborigine culture. Individual evaluations:
Dionne’s photo is not that great (shocker) and her eyes didn’t connect with the camera. Tyra asks her to state who she thinks has the most and least potential in the competition because “that’s how you get ahead.” Which translates to “Fight, Bitches Fight!” Dionne thinks Jaslene has the most potential but says Natasha has the least and that “something is missing.” Jaslene’s photo is good as always but she always gives the same look and Nigel thinks she has to vary it. She thinks she has the most potential because “it’s her dream” but she thinks Natasha has the least potential because she “comes off as phony.” At this point, poor Natasha looks like she’s close to tears but turns it into a smile. I really like that girl. Renee’s photo gets universal praise from the judges but I have to say, to me it looks a little bland. She says she has the most potential because “I want to take my family places.” Cause models travel with their families and are all known for their strong family values. Renee thinks Natasha has the least potential because “she’s playing games.” OH NO SHE DIN’T! Natasha plays games? Oh hypocrisy thy name is Renee. Or Nene. Whatever the hell you’re name is. You’re aging badly. Yeah I said it.
Finally we have Natasha and her photo doesn’t look as lousy as we would have expected from the photo shoot but it’s nothing special either. She talks about being sick and naturally gets bitched her out for this but we all kinda knew that would happen. Natasha thinks that she has the most potential because she has the Eastern European features and I have to say, she isthe one who looks most like a model in person. Course all opinions are welcome on this board. Just as long as they agree with mine : ). Natasha also adds that she is “thankful for the girls’ critique” and that they are “still my friends.” Ever the salesperson this girl, ya gotta love her. No seriously, you have to because if you don't, she simply refuses to accept it. Twiggy calls Natasha one of the warmest girls, saying that she takes initiative, is extremely beautiful and that that there may be a slight jealously issue among the girls. Yeah Twiggy! It's so nice to have her on the panel. Can anyone imagine how this would have gone if Janice were still here? Natasha states that if Gisele Bunchen were here she should say she had the least potential because she’d be the biggest competition. She also addes that the girls talk about her constantly but it’s “better to be talked about than being not noticeable.” CHECK AND MATE. Feast on it bitches.
While the judges deliberate, Natasha tries to talk to the girls in the Judges Holding Room (and yes, they actually called it that) saying that she wishes everyone of them luck. It’s just who she is. Jaslene responds by saying “We don’t accept who you are.” Then proceeds to tear Natasha a new one. Nooooooooo! Jaslene I used to like you! Why ya gotta be a hater? Anyhoo the whole thing backfires on the Trio of Bitches because during deliberations, the judges say they feel that Natasha handled the negativity well and that the other girls were jealous.
After deliberations, eliminations. First called is Renee, then Jaslene and we get down to Natasha and Dionne and after the last elimination, I’ve lost all faith so I had no idea what would happen. In the end, the judges make the right decision and based on both girls body of work they finally get rid of Brown. Jaslene looks shocked and pissed, what happened to my cha cha diva? She's lost me. Before getting her photo, Natasha tries to hug Dionne who stares straight ahead with her “mean face” and doesn’t hug back. Bitch. Dionne finally hugs all three girls and leaves. Thank God! Cover girl of the week is Jaslene. If only we knew then what we did now…..
Next week: It’s the finale! It’s anyone’s guess!
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