America's Next Top Model Recap

would hope that they don’t let Natasha do the final runway because she walks like a pigeon toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass.
- The ever-classy Renee summing up her competition.


Okay, it’s the last ANTM and who will win? Will it be Jaslene, the uber-skinny Latina with fire in her heart and drag queen in her soul? Renee, the mommy and aging smoker, who wants to do good things for her family but doesn’t give a damn about anyone else? Or Natasha, the Russian mail order bride who translates every criticism thrown her way to mean: ”Yes I beautiful. Yes. Thank you.” Of course everyone knows who has won by now, unless you, like, live in a jar but you know, as a recapper, I just have to pretend you actually don’t know. It’s my job. So let’s all pretend that you do, in fact, live in a jar. You poor thing you. How do you manage? Anyhow, during the opening sequence they briefly show Natasha’s husband and baby on screen, and I have to ask, was Natasha’s husband hot? Cause from what I could tell he was pretty damn hot but my VCR cut the first part off so I couldn’t study further (i.e. pause and analyze.). Message me if you could see in detail what he looked like. I’m just hoping he’s a hottie. That would be awesome!

Since they have so many commercial breaks during the show, we get no drama but go straight to the commercials in the show! The final three will have to do, say it with me now, a Cover Girl commercial! But Jay tells them there’s a twist. The girls will be doing “My Life as a Cover Girl” commercials! Can they do that? Is that legal? Somebody think of the children! Wait, more twists! The girls will also have to “adlib” their commercials.” I feel weak. Where’s my heart pills?

On to the commercials. Natasha is first and her commercial is supposed to take place backstage at a photo shoot, although it looks less like a backstage and more like the men’s bathroom at the YMCA, and isn’t that where all Cover Girl models eventually end up anyways? Natasha, wearing a dress that makes her look slouchy, is really bad at first but warms up and gets….well, a little less bad. Renee’s shoot takes place on a boat and she looks really pretty, even though it’s daytime and she’s dressed like a Solid Gold dancer. Her opening ad lib line is: ”I had a baby 9 months ago and I thought my life was over.” I thought her baby was her life. So much for that. Her next take is awesome with no mention of how much she hates the kid, so that’s good. Jaslene’s shoot takes place in the back seat of a car and I’m sure that’s where most Cover Girls actually got their start so it’s apropo. She hesitates a lot but then gets a little better and even throws a line in Spanish in there. Muy Bien! After the commercials, the girls have their photo shoots and are coached by Caridee, who apparently has nothing better to do. Natasha does a good job but has to laugh to get a smile. Jaslene finds it hard to smile cause apparently her face muscles don’t go that way. Renee looks good but the photographer says she looks too old and too “mature”. Ouch!

Tyra Mail! We’re going to be down to two. At eliminations Tyra looks like she grew back some hair but is wearing a dress that can only be described as a silver snakeskin smock. Guess we can’t have it all. Guest judges are the designers of Sass and Bide, who sponsors the fashion show that the final two will walk in. First up is Natasha and I am a Natasha fan but her commercial is pretty bad. However she’s a good enough salesperson that the judges really love it for some reason. Her Cover Girl picture gets mixed reviews. Jaslene halts too much during her commercial but Tyra loves the Spanish line and her picture looks very pretty. It’s actually quite refreshing to see her smiling instead of scowling. Renee is definitely the most relaxed during her commercial and her photo looks great. I’m impressed. However, the judges tell her that she photographs very “old” and Tyra notes that she had puffiness and wrinkles around her eyes, adding that maybe it’s from the sun. Well, I’m sure the chain smoking and bitterness have a lot to do with it too. And I don’t care how you feel about Renee (I personally don’t like her) but calling her old and wrinkly to her face is pretty harsh. She does look a little older in person but I don’t see it in the photo, unless they really retouched it. Poor Renee looks like she’s going to cry.

After deliberations, eliminations. Jaslene is first to be called and let’s face it, we all kind of knew she would be. Then it’s down to Natasha and Renee and the finalist is….NATASHA! Tyra hugs Renee and tells her how fabulous she is, which is funny cause five minutes ago she was pretty much telling her that she was aging badly. Welcome to the modeling biz! Renee tells Natasha to “win this for the mommies” cause I guess she grew to like her in the past five minutes. During her leaving montage, Renee does come across a little pissed and says something about rather be “wasted in the eyes” and have “knowledge in the head”. Huh? Oh well, bye bye Renee. I will miss, well, nothing about you but you didn’t deserve to be called an old hag. Now go home and mess up your kid more. Down to the final two!

Back at the house, Tyra makes an appearance for her “talk to the girls ” mama segment. First she speaks with Natasha, who comes across really well and says how she was poor in Russia. Tyra asked her if the other girls picked on her because she was Russian and to her credit, Natasha says no because America is a melting pot. Work it my little Communist! Next up is Jaslene who was so upset after missing out on the last cycle that she had to go through therapy and Tyra eats that up because this contest is supposed to be your LIFE! And speaking of lives, they way Jaslene acts, if she doesn’t win this, she might try to take hers. But to have a death so soon after the controversial "death shoot would probably really piss off the feminist groups. I love controversy. : )
Fun! Thumbs Up

Time for the final runway! The rehearsal is led by Mr. J who is actually hellafun when he’s not judging. The theme is evolution and during the first pass of the runway the girls will have to walk like the missing link, which reminds me of the stumble crawl back to the co-ed dorms after doing body shots of tequila off some guy named Ralph. Okay, again, I might be personalizing my recaps a bit. The rest of the runway walk will be normal, thank gawd. Unlike Ralph. While the girls are getting ready, Natasha casually tells Jaslene she thinks the first walk will be hard. And Jaslene takes that to mean that Natasha is psyching her out and interviews that “I’m not letting Natasha get to me.” Huh? She’s taking it all a little personally, don’tcha think? I hope the producers have suicide hotline on speed dial.

The show begins, led by Caridee and this is one broke-down looking runway show. Lawn chairs, people from the street? Can’t they do better? The first pass is great, as both Natasha and Jaslene get feral and pull it off marvelously. At the first “normal” walk, Natasha rocks it, and her skirt falls off. This is ANTM paydirt people! To her credit she casually steps out of it, kicks it to the side and walks on. Score one for the Russkies! Jaslene walks out and looks a little bland unfortunately, she could bring more. At the second pass, they have a hard time getting Natasha ready but she’s finally there and her walk is a little weaker. Jaslene walks get better. During the finale, the models all pose on metal stepladders. Why? Was it sponsored by Home Depot? Anyhoo, the show is over and it’s anyone’s guess as to who will win..

Final elimination y’all. Somebody is going to be: America’s. Next. Top. Model. At eliminations, both Natasha and Jaslene look like they were dressed by Tyra’s stylist and that is very unfortunate. Seriously. Natasha, Jaslene and Tyra all look like rejects from Logan’s Run, only with Star Wars hairdos. Guest judge is my secret sexy boyfriend, Jay Manual. First evaluated is Natasha, who pulled off all three walks very well. The judges loved how nothing got to her, even last minute dressing snafus and the loss of clothing, but they thought she petered out towards the end. Jaslene’s walk was bland at first but she got better the second time around and worked it towards the end. During the side by side pictures, Jaslene had great photos but Natasha improved the most during the competition. When asked for final statements, Natasha spoke in Russian, Jaslene in Spanish. Way to work the angle girls!

Deliberations are short as the judges say they love them both. Awwww. But enough of the love, let’s get to the good stuff. Two beautiful foreign girls stand before me, only one will be deemed worthy enough to film some bad “My Life as a Cover Girl” commercials, make the occasional appearance on future ANTM’s and pretty much lose any real credibility in the fashion industry while the runners-ups get more lucrative contact modeling deals. Yeah! And without further ado, the winnah is………………….


JASLENE!


Just in time for Cover Girl to capture the all-important Latina market! Betcha they’ll be launching a new product line for Hispanics real soon. She cries, Natasha takes the loss very well I must say, another season is over and my reign as recapper is over for now. But if you are a glutton for punishment, (and you must be because you sat through the entire season of this show) feel free to read my recaps of Beauty and the Geek, or past recaps of ANTM right here on this very website.

И таким образом это - Cher, говорящий доброй ночи и хорошее избавление.
Y entonces este es Cher refrán buenas noches y liberación buena.
And so this is Cher saying goodnight and good riddance.