America's Next Top Model Recap:

Okay, so last week was a recap episode but during my brief hiatus I almost saw Tyra Banks get killed. I was watching Halloween: Resurrection and if you’ve never heard of it, it’s because Tyra Banks is in it. And if you saw it and forgot it, it’s because her death scene was cut. Here's a screen shot of that missing scene.

Back to the show. The girls are still in Australia and we know this only because the producers add unnecessary shots of koalas and kangaroos. Tyra Mail! There’s more to go-see than Kangaroos and Koalas. Sure, Australia is also known for… Crocodile Dundee! And….Crocodile Dundee II! And….that third one also. Anyways, if you didn’t get it from the clue, it’s go-see time. The girls meet with Jodhi, a model and new host of Australia’s Next Top Model and Priscilla Leighton-Clark, who owns a modeling agency. And how to describe them? Jodhi looks like the fun, pretty girl at the bar every guy drools over. And Priscilla is…. her fat plain friend who sits at the bar eating fried mozzarella sticks and jock-blocking every guy in who tries to talk to Jodhi. Yeah I get bitter and mean-spirited after recap shows, I’ll admit it. But seriously my analogy fits pretty well. Jodhi and Priscilla give the girls the go-see information and tell them they have to be back by 4:30pm or they will be disqualified.

And they’re off. It’s pretty much a mixed bag. Jaslene is calm, cool and collected and rocks pretty much every go-see she gos and sees. Renee is good and plays it off well. Dionne uses the go-sees as an excuse to scam every ounce of clothing she can and keeps asking the agents if she can keep the clothing. Natasha does a good job and keeps her energy level up. Brittany is a scattered mess, cannot read addresses (short term memory issues perhaps?) and is pretty much set-up to be this week’s disaster. After all, there’s always one. And it is her turn. It's only fair.

After the go-sees, Dionne, Renee and Jaslene make it back in time. Natasha is one minute late (damn) and misses it but accepts her disqualification with grace. Brittany comes last, blames her cab driver and has a complete meltdown on the front porch of the agency, crying, screaming and I swear if she still had her weave on, she’d be pulling it out. It’s pretty embarrassing as the rest of the girls can hear it from inside. The girls all got good feedback (with the exception of Brittany) and Jaslene wins the contest! Yeah Jaslene! My chica diva is back! She chooses Dionne as her friend and they get to have their pictures taken off the top of the Sydney Harbor Bridge by Nigel Barker. It’s a perfect opportunity for Jaslene to push Dionne off and eliminate some of the competition, but cooler heads prevail and the photos look awesome. Still it would have been cool. Yeah, I’m still fuming over the lack of a Tyra death scene. But I'm making up my own version. And it's pretty gruesome. Still Fun!
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Back at the house, Tyra Mail! Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, so what the hell am I still doing in Albuquerque? Okay, I may have misquoted. My mind’s still a little fuzzy from the recap hiatus, or perhaps the strange blue pill I found behind the 7-11. No matter, the girls are taken to the beach where they will be shot twice. Bang Bang! And they get to wear sexy swimwear and even sexier men. Yeah! The first photos will be taken by Tyra (who’s not giving up that head scarf) and will be a romantic woman’s magazine shot.. The second photo will be taken by…some guy, and will be slightly sexier (men’s magazine). So it’s kind of like Woman’s Day meets Maxim. Which is so like my life. At the shoots, the girls all do pretty well. Brittany is good in both shots but looks nervous. Dionne looks pissed off. Tyra complains about Jaslene at first but she warms up and her second shot is pretty good. Natasha is all over her man in the second shot but she’s been sleeping with a 40 year old Texas geek named Stuart so I say kudos to her! Renee is growing on me and does pretty good in both shots.

Tyra Mail! Someone’s going down under. Can’t ya hear, can’t ya hear the thunder (yeah I really needed to get at least one more Australian reference in there). At eliminations, Tyra is not wearing a do-rag but is wearing extensions that make me long for her to wear one. She also is wearing false eyelashes which have appeared to eaten her entire face and that would make an AWESOME death scene. And I’m a writer for hire! Call me horror movie directors! Guest judge is fat best friend Priscilla Leighton-Clark.

First up is Brittany, who was disqualified and she cries, which as we all know is elimination panel death. Tyra tells her that not one of the agencies would book her. Bummer. However, both her photos are rocking awesome and I think they’re the best of the bunch. Tyra helpfully points out that Brittany is not sexy in real life and that “guys don’t understand your type of beauty.” Face it, no matter how you feel about Brittany, you wouldn’t mind seeing Michael Myers tear apart Tyra after a statement like that. Natasha, not surprisingly, looks great in both shots and continues to grow in the competition. Jaslene rocks both of the photos. Yeah chica! Dionne has a “mean face” in both her photos and had to be directed as to how to move. Again. Why is she still here? Renee is getting much better and looks great in both her photos but Tyra, who previously told her she was too harsh, says she’s on the verge of being “too soft and sweet”. Huh? Renee’s not my favorite but no one deserves this. Go Michael!


At deliberations, Dionne’s photo is called the weakest and it should be all over right? I mean, shouldn’t a model have to take great photos? Let’s face it, Naomi Campbell ain’t being booked on her sparkling personality. Just ask her assistants. If they’re still alive. So I figure this is all over. Dionne goes home. I sit back with a cold one. Everyone’s happy. Right?

Elimination time! First up is Jaslene, then Natasha, then predictably Renee, and it’s down to Dionne, who has yet to take a good picture, and Brittany who has yet to take a bad picture. And they choose Dionne to go home, everything’s right with the world and I casually open my Fosters and take a good sip secure in the knowledge that the judges made another great decision.



No, instead it is Brittany! Brittany who goes home cause she had a bad day while Dionne is free to stick around, take another lousy picture and bitch about everyone in the house. Damn! If I had a weave (and who’s to say I don’t) I’d totally pull it out right now. Yes, our little moppy redhead great picture taking girl is sent off and I must say she leaves with a great deal of grace and restraint. Don’t worry Britt. You can still have the timeless long-running career of one Paul Hogan, beloved Australian and star of Crocodile Dundee. And Crocodile Dundee 2. And.... oh bloody hell, just try to keep your original hair and teeth okay?

Next week! The girls destroy Aborigine culture! Renee talks trash! Natasha gets sick! Brittany, if allowed to stay, would have taken another kick-ass picture!